I turned 25 this year, and I like to joke that not only am I only going through a global crisis, but a quarter-life crisis, too. Like, can God just chill? Joke’s on me, it’s God asking me to chill.
There’s no denying that a lot has happened to each one of us this year. Our sense of normalcy has been completely redefined in what feels like a blink of an eye. We’ve been so frazzled that our first instinct is to empty the shelves in the supermarket… for toilet paper. Why people need that much toilet paper is still beyond me. If you were one of those people, let’s save that conversation over a bottle of a wine, because wine helps me stay nice to avoid judging you.
I’d like to categorize the degrees of change into three: mild, moderate, severe. For those in the mild zone, this has only tweaked bits and pieces of their lives (and fucking celebrate that, mate. You’re one of the lucky few.) Your job’s stable, your family and friends are safe, you’re still able to go out and get food. The main change is probably wearing a mask in public spaces and working from home. And I don’t know, you’re most likely learning to be more intentional in making social connections.
Then there are people, like me, in the moderate zone, who have had their lives turned upside down because of the economical impacts of the pandemic. (And let’s be real, this has also turned into an emotional shit-show. More on that later.)
Lastly, there are those in the severe zone. It’s those who have personally been affected by the virus – may it be contracting the virus itself or losing someone in this time. People can’t mourn and grieve the way they used to in a community. The lack of human connection is so detrimental in an already difficult time. This is something I have no grid for and if you are going through this, I am sincerely sorry.
I do want to focus on the moderate zone as this is something I feel like I can have a say on. For those who don’t know, I was a travel agent and dare I say, I was pretty good at it. You know how people say it’s almost impossible to find a job that you love and pays well? Well, that was my life. I genuinely loved my job that I was practically married to it.
I still remember when we first heard about COVID-19. It was probably around late December. Clients would walk through the door already hesitant booking flights because of it. Then we had to maneuver around the Hong Kong protests, the Mt. Mayon Volcano eruption in the Philippines and the bushfires in Australia. February came and I got notified that I was finally getting on my incentive trip to the Gold Coast. I was getting so excited to go on a trip so that I could go away, recharge and dive into work when I get back. I also got in a Leadership Program to help me kickstart my career progression within the company. The dates for the program and the trip fell perfectly together. I went on the program on a Wednesday, I flew out for the Gold Coast on the Thursday and all felt right. But man, little did I know that I would never step foot in my workplace again. That same weekend, all the airports around the world were closing. Our emails were getting bombarded with all the airline notifications. Even our travel insurance partner pulled out on their “Cancel for Any Reason” exclusive offering. We got the memo that people arriving on that Monday would need to self-isolate. We got back on the Sunday but since I was showing symptoms, I decided to self-isolate for 14 days anyway.
A week within the 14-day self-isolation, New Zealand went into lockdown and the first round of job redundancies happened. I knew a second round would affect me and it was looming around the corner. So, I already asked around for jobs. Maybe within the next month, I got stood down from my job. Luckily enough, I was interviewed for an insurance job over lockdown and got it within a month after getting stood down. I thought, okay, finally a sense of stability. NOPE. Within a month of getting this new job, we were told a huge restructure was going to happen and they were closing all the stores. MAN, I was so close to losing my marbles. I am too relational to be cooped up at home. Now you must understand, I did not have the best work-from-home set up since I was flatting. For privacy purposes, I was not allowed to work in any shared public spaces at home. So, try working and sleeping in your room, your mental health goes downhill real fast [especially as an extrovert.] On top of all that, my boyfriend and I weren’t in the best space. Well, eventually, we did break up. (Don’t stress though, it was definitely for the best.)
I’m really not trying to sell you my sob story – quite the opposite, in fact. While every aspect of my life felt like it was crumbling to pieces (and some grueling eight counseling sessions later), I realised the chaos was teaching me very important things about life and about myself.
Sitting with my emotions. Remember when I said I was practically married to my old job? I invested a lot of time and energy in that job which meant that I physically had no time to really process any good or bad thing that happened in my life. I had no energy when I got home and when I got my days off, I would either just sleep or do house admin. My days just kept going. Non-stop. So when lockdown happened, it felt like wave after wave after wave of just some real depressing stuff in various areas of my life and I did not know what to do with those emotions. Lockdown taught me to feel safe with being angry, confused and hurt.
Not all relationships are worth saving especially when it’s doing you more harm than good. I don’t just mean romantic relationships, this also applies to platonic friendships. You ever hear yourself make a million excuses for someone’s poor behaviour? And honey, it takes two to tango. We can justify saying “they need us because no one else will be there for them” but really, what does that also say about us? Do we have a need to appear compassionate? Kind? A savior complex, perhaps? Look like a put-together human being? Is this about loyalty? Nah, people will continue to be who they choose to be. And if they choose to go in a direction that’s unhealthy, it’s okay to walk away. But just because you chose to walk away, it doesn’t mean you won’t miss them. It’s very normal to miss them. Honor the memories and the time you spent with them. It’s helped shape you to be the person you are today.
A job is just a job. Clock out on time. The hardest pill to swallow for me was that all my hard work disappeared. Just. Like. That. Poof! Gone. The travel industry is essentially dead and while I do believe it will recover, it’s probably not for another three years. I still grieve the career I lost and I kid you not, it felt like a really bad divorce. (Not that I know how that would feel, but it definitely felt worse than my worst break-up.) So, clock out on time. No job is worth losing your social life, your self-care routine and your family time. You can still go above and beyond for your job but keep it at the hours of your work.
Sometimes, practicality is not a good enough reason to stay where you are, figuratively or not. It can be what’s keeping us back from experiencing more in life. I overstayed my time in Whangarei. I got comfortable. Why leave when rent is cheap, there’s virtually no traffic and I’ve already built a decent amount of relationships? It seemed like such a practical choice. It was also very easy to fall into this bubble of comfort there. I knew I wasn’t content, I definitely wanted more, but that comfort does creep up on you. And when you’re someone who craves more in life and then decides to settle, those yearnings do leak in somewhat undesirable ways at times. So when my boyfriend and I split, I left. Maybe it was the push I needed. While it’s definitely more expensive here in Auckland, it’s been a while since I felt more rejuvenated, challenged and alive. There is something about a city that makes you feel like people are aiming for something more. It makes me wonder why I never left sooner… Side note: If you are thinking about moving to Auckland or a big city, remember that everyone outside Auckland hates Auckland so take their opinions with a grain of salt. You know what’s best for you, so go for it.
It is very important to stay connected with your family and culture. Over lockdown, it was hard for me to grasp the reality that I was so disconnected from my culture. Don’t get me wrong, my time in Whangarei was great. It taught me so much about the Kiwi culture and I’ve made such incredible friendships there. But it did have very little Asian/Filipino influence. Maybe it was also my lack of time and intention to reach out to said communities but it’s not just that. It was also about the lack of authentic Asian cuisine and the lack of diversity in workplaces. It’s not that it wasn’t slowly sprouting, it was but it wasn’t enough. I guess it’s also because Asians usually crowd in a city. It’s probably because we are used to congested and highly-dense areas. I missed speaking my language everyday, and while I hate admitting this in front of my mom, I really missed being with my family. It is very cultural for us to stay together until we get married. I so wanted to go against the norm, but man, I think it’s really in my blood. When I decided to move to Auckland last minute, they uprooted their lives to help make it work for me. I love my family so much. And during a time of uncertainty, family is the most stable thing you can get (no matter how complicated your family can be.)
Therapy is your friend. There is just such a huge stigma to therapy especially in my culture. Mental health was never taken seriously, and there are huge efforts from my generation to reframe our cultural mindset on this now. If you went to see a qualified mental health professional, you would be branded as “buang” which translates to crazy in my language. Even the rich who could afford it needed to be so subtle and discreet about it. Why? Because reputation is so important where I’m from. One wrong move and it could brand you forever, especially as a woman. You worry about how this could affect your socio-economic status. In a developing country, opportunities may be high but competition is cut-throat and people aren’t as forgiving. Moving to New Zealand, it has been a challenge to reframe my mindset on this. I’ve always been fortunate enough to work with big corporations who have always offered free, confidential and independent counseling sessions. I’ve only ever done counseling once before lockdown but it was after a near-death experience. Going to therapy at the time, it felt like a chore. Work strongly recommended it and I didn’t really feel as engaged as I was supposed to. But with how COVID drastically affected me, I made the decision to willingly go to therapy over lockdown. I asked questions about the type of therapist I think I could get along with and I was connected with a very lovely lady who specialized in a field I didn’t know I needed. The thing with therapy is, as I previously described, it is grueling. They ask you some simple yet hard-hitting questions that may completely shake your perceptive lens in life. I’ve always been driven and I struggle with failure, especially when it’s not my fault (hey, Covid!) I always thought this was because I had an Asian Tiger Mom growing up. But then I look at my friends who have quite similar upbringings and failure doesn’t seem to affect them the way it does with me. So when I asked the therapist why I was like this, we uncovered that I am the way I am because of some childhood trauma that was never processed. Maybe mentioned here and there, but never processed. And that floored me. I was probably emotionally drained for a week because of how heavy the truth was after my first one hour session. Think of it this way, your whole life, you thought you were one thing because of your familial and cultural upbringing. While I am aware I have some childhood trauma I rarely ever talk about, I never knew it could have seeped into deep layers and corners of who I am. But it made sense. It answered all the questions about myself that always led to a brick wall. So although it was very emotionally taxing, I’m happy I did it so I can start doing the inner work. That’s just me. Your story can be different. You may not have free counseling sessions offered by your employer and you might not know where to start. I suggest you look into it and give it a try. It may take a while to find a therapist that you can connect with. So if you do pay for it, do some research first. Ask around. Get your money’s worth. After all, it’s not easy to spill your entire life to a complete stranger.
Be compassionate towards yourself. (No, seriously. Stop talking to yourself so poorly.) I come across people who are probably in the mild zone who feel like how their lives were disrupted isn’t as devastating as those who lost their jobs or their loved ones. While the pain is incomparable, it’s okay to grieve where you need to. Don’t downplay your loss. It may have been a cancelled wedding, or an overseas trip, or postponing a business idea to come into fruition – those are still very important to you. You have worked hard to get there and it’s not happening. And yes, it’s okay to say that it freaking sucks. On a positive note, be sure to balance it by practicing gratitude. I had to be careful with myself when I was spiraling down. I could sense that a cynic was growing within me and my inner dialogue was getting grimmer. It now all makes sense when I kept getting knocked down after every move I made… To this day, I still have to consciously practice gratitude again and as cheesy and cliché as it sounds, it does work.
I’ve rambled long enough so I’ll stop here. I hope you get nuggets of wisdom from here or at least, a laugh. Life is interesting. The older we get, the more we are faced with the fact that we really know nothing. That is the beauty of our species though, we grow, we adapt and we evolve. Because of that, I am confident we’ll get through this. Humans are resilient in nature and it’s pretty exciting to see where this redirects us… don’t you think?
Featured photo by Jorik Kleen on Unsplash
